Ten things I’ve learned since I started writing

 

1. Write. Just write.

Don’t plan out a perfect day, time, location, mood, or phase of the moon. And for God’s sake, don’t wait for the Muse to strike. The Muse occasionally carries a mallet.

Yeah, she can be a bitch at times, that Muse…

I advise stunning her with some kind of sedative, chaining her to a cellar in your subconscious, and informing her in no uncertain terms what her hours of work will be. Oh, and that you’re confiscating the mallet.

 

2. It ain’t as glamorous as the movies make it out to be.

Seriously, do you really think those artsy-fartsy people in floaty negligees and open shirts from those black and white films got any writing done?

It takes coffee, sweatpants, the odd greasy hair day, coffee, the guts to type “bomb” in Google search, coffee, insomnia, being able to accept criticism without turning into a blubbering mess AKA “growing a thick skin”, coffee, turning into a pariah by refusing all social invites when a deadline is looming, coffee, and a bladder of steel to be a writer. You’re gonna need one after all that damn coffee.

 

On the other hand, pasty isn’t a good look. Sunshine is not poison. Go out and get some fresh air once in a while. Preferably before the neighbors call the cops because they haven’t seen you in days and because there’s some kind of “smell” coming from your apartment.

 

3. Final edits can be like poking yourself in the eye.

Repeatedly.

4. If your body type is such that you put weight on simply by looking at a doughnut, get rid of those bathroom scales now. You will pile it on.

Unless you can write on a treadmill desk or bike desk.

In which case, your ass might be safe. Some writers just have “skinny” genes and stay beanpole thin no matter how many hours their butts kiss their chairs. The cows…

5. Don’t be tempted to self-edit or think that you can do it all yourself

Write, edit your writing, proofread your writing, design the cover, format for ebook and print, etc. Sure, have a go if you have the time. There are many software programs out there that can help. But be honest with yourself.

 

 

Be prepared to say, “Hey, so I gave it a go and quite frankly my self-made cover/formatting skills made the dog throw up, so I think it’s time to hire a professional.” Know your strengths and weaknesses. And know what you have and haven’t got time to learn to do. 

 

6. If you’re in this for the long haul, treat it like a business.

To be fair, I came to writing in that state of mind in the first place. Be professional. No, professional doesn’t have to mean boring. You are allowed to be cheeky, sassy, even cute.

To paraphrase Wil Wheaton, just don’t be an ass.

 

 

7. 8 out 10 people who find out you’re a writer will tell you that they’ve always wanted to write a book too, if only they had the time.

You know, a bit like they’d walk up to a brain surgeon or an Olympic athlete and say the same thing.

 

 

You will resist your basic human urge to kick these people in the balls and throw them in oncoming traffic. Instead, you will assume a Zen-like smile and nod politely. You are allowed to murmur, ‘Ah-huh.’ Of course, no one is stopping you from including these people as characters in future books. Innocent bystanders who come to a gruesome death, perhaps.

Joking aside though, a lot of people would like to write a book. Wishing it and doing it are two different games. As for the “time” excuse, a lot of authors get up at 5 am to put in a couple of writing hours before the day job.

 

8. Be prepared to make sacrifices.

Be it sleep, social time with family and friends, holidays, TV (especially TV), money. Writing should be a passion. Passionate people make sacrifices to achieve their dreams.

 

9. The publishing industry has been, is, and will remain in a state of flux for several years to come.

There is no longer a single way to become a published writer.

Don’t adopt a head-up-ass position when it comes to your career. Do your research. Know your options. Know your rights. And for God sake, don’t just sign any contract blindly and give away the copyrights to your works.

Have I made this sound too daunting? Well of course it is. You’re going to be running a business after all. But hey, if you can hold down a job, manage your finances and those of your household, run your family with near military precision, then I’ve got news for you. You can do this. After all, look around you. Look at how many people are running successful, small businesses.

And there will be plenty of authors who will hold your hand and be happy to help you along the way.

 

10. Marketing and self-promotion will sometimes make you feel like a lady or gentleman of the night selling your wares on Sunset Boulevard.

Don’t be spammy or smarmy. Respect people’s private space. Say thank you and mean it.